My brother's girlfriend decided to apply at the same place I work at, and got accepted. So I was pretty excited that someone would join me in hell.
But last night I had the feeling she was going to bail. I woke up with even a stronger feeling that she was going to decide not to start the job.
But she said she'd be taking a bus up because my brother's car is broken. Big phew here. Maybe I'm wrong.
I never learn, do I?
She showed up at my house, ready for work, but fifteen minutes later she told me that she wasn't going to work anymore because she just doesn't want to.
My friends say I'm psychic, this happens so much. If I am, it's not all that helpful.
Hey, you...
Just so you know... Just so that someone, somewhere knows, or so that someone can know...
I might have dropped my pastry chef dream like it was a hot coal, but it doesn't mean that the burns don't remain.
It doesn't mean that I didn't think long and hard over it before I gave up.
It doesn't mean I don't look back.
In truth, every time I turn on the food network, I feel like crying. Which might be why I don't watch it much anymore.
But I can't change my mind, either.
I might have dropped my pastry chef dream like it was a hot coal, but it doesn't mean that the burns don't remain.
It doesn't mean that I didn't think long and hard over it before I gave up.
It doesn't mean I don't look back.
In truth, every time I turn on the food network, I feel like crying. Which might be why I don't watch it much anymore.
But I can't change my mind, either.
Hiding Places
I put random stashes of money (a five dollar bill here, a twenty there) around my room so that when I clean up or look around or pick up a book, I have a nice little surprise.
As well, I like to know that I've got money hidden around in case things get really desperate, and hiding them in tricky places helps me keep my hands off of it.
My parents don't approve of that either. Another problem of theirs with me. Which is why I argue that if they don't like my way of putting things and doing things, they should leave it all be.
Instead of yelling at me for losing money when I've purposely hidden it? Please. I'm not as irresponsible as people think.
Wait. I'm not as irresponsible as my parents think. Everyone else pretty much knows me as responsible.
As well, I like to know that I've got money hidden around in case things get really desperate, and hiding them in tricky places helps me keep my hands off of it.
My parents don't approve of that either. Another problem of theirs with me. Which is why I argue that if they don't like my way of putting things and doing things, they should leave it all be.
Instead of yelling at me for losing money when I've purposely hidden it? Please. I'm not as irresponsible as people think.
Wait. I'm not as irresponsible as my parents think. Everyone else pretty much knows me as responsible.
Solace
I'm getting better at being home alone.
Silly, being scared of being home alone. Annoys the crap out of me. But alas, I am. I get the paranoia from my mother.
But I'm better now. I still keep the hallway light on, and I remember to check that every window, door, escape hatch is closed and bolted and locked and safe about three times before I'm convinced. And I still think someone's going to come running in with a knife while I'm in the shower...
But it's better, though it might not sound like it to you. I don't have the whole house lit up, and I can go into the kitchen to get a drink without thinking I should probably take a bat with me.
And no one being home means less of a chance of me getting into trouble because of... well, anything. I can't even give you an example. Maybe for asking if my parents happened to PVR Grey's Anatomy this week. They didn't, I had the chance to check, but just by asking could have gotten me in loads of trouble if they felt like it.
So it's nice.
Have to get the riding payment for the month all set for Tuesday and put it in some kind of envelope since I don't deal in cheques.
I got yelled at the other day because my parents found money just "laying about in my room." It was in my drawer, all together, because that was how it was given to me (my brother paid me back for covering part of his credit card bill from Europe in August) and said I should feel grateful they didn't take it for it (again) "just laying about."
Where else was I supposed to put it? I'm downtown more often than I'm home nowadays, and I'm not about to carry $200 with me all the time. That's asking to be mugged.
Makes me want to scream. I put things where I put them for a reason.
Silly, being scared of being home alone. Annoys the crap out of me. But alas, I am. I get the paranoia from my mother.
But I'm better now. I still keep the hallway light on, and I remember to check that every window, door, escape hatch is closed and bolted and locked and safe about three times before I'm convinced. And I still think someone's going to come running in with a knife while I'm in the shower...
But it's better, though it might not sound like it to you. I don't have the whole house lit up, and I can go into the kitchen to get a drink without thinking I should probably take a bat with me.
And no one being home means less of a chance of me getting into trouble because of... well, anything. I can't even give you an example. Maybe for asking if my parents happened to PVR Grey's Anatomy this week. They didn't, I had the chance to check, but just by asking could have gotten me in loads of trouble if they felt like it.
So it's nice.
Have to get the riding payment for the month all set for Tuesday and put it in some kind of envelope since I don't deal in cheques.
I got yelled at the other day because my parents found money just "laying about in my room." It was in my drawer, all together, because that was how it was given to me (my brother paid me back for covering part of his credit card bill from Europe in August) and said I should feel grateful they didn't take it for it (again) "just laying about."
Where else was I supposed to put it? I'm downtown more often than I'm home nowadays, and I'm not about to carry $200 with me all the time. That's asking to be mugged.
Makes me want to scream. I put things where I put them for a reason.
Dreams, one day long lost?
You know how I was (and am) always scared of the little things setting off a mid-life crisis sometime in the future?
You know how I've always wanted to hop on a train and take it to anywhere, like you hear of in songs and books and stories from people other than you?
What if that doesn't happen? What if I never hop on that train? B would begin A.
But how do I hop on a train, take it to nowhere, and somehow, somehow, make it?
You know how I've always wanted to hop on a train and take it to anywhere, like you hear of in songs and books and stories from people other than you?
What if that doesn't happen? What if I never hop on that train? B would begin A.
But how do I hop on a train, take it to nowhere, and somehow, somehow, make it?
Privileged.
What happened to freedom of speech?
Why does everyone else get to rant about the small, the big, the insignificant, the important, and yet I'm not allowed?
And people wonder why I don't show them my writing. What if I showed them, and then they said that I had no right to write about it? Other than telling them Excuse me, I have a right to write about anything I damn well please, what can I do?
They won't change their minds. Not these people.
I'm not of the "privileged." I can't write what I want, say what I mean. Even when it has encroached little on such territory, I'm torn down.
I'll write whatever I want to write. I'll be angry when I am angry and sad when I am sad. I'll be happy, too, when I am happy.
Such a good morning, shot to pieces. Maybe I can reconcile them into some pretty collage.
Why does everyone else get to rant about the small, the big, the insignificant, the important, and yet I'm not allowed?
And people wonder why I don't show them my writing. What if I showed them, and then they said that I had no right to write about it? Other than telling them Excuse me, I have a right to write about anything I damn well please, what can I do?
They won't change their minds. Not these people.
I'm not of the "privileged." I can't write what I want, say what I mean. Even when it has encroached little on such territory, I'm torn down.
I'll write whatever I want to write. I'll be angry when I am angry and sad when I am sad. I'll be happy, too, when I am happy.
Such a good morning, shot to pieces. Maybe I can reconcile them into some pretty collage.
A Month Gone.
Don't ask me how NaNo went.
I got to 50K, yes.
But not for lack of trying to give up.
If there's one thing to say about me, (okay, two, because they argued each other endlessly all month) I've got too much pride, and I can't stand letting people down.
Now to stretch the truth a little on a totally different topic so I don't get disowned. That would be the whole counseling thing, if you're curious.
I got to 50K, yes.
But not for lack of trying to give up.
If there's one thing to say about me, (okay, two, because they argued each other endlessly all month) I've got too much pride, and I can't stand letting people down.
Now to stretch the truth a little on a totally different topic so I don't get disowned. That would be the whole counseling thing, if you're curious.
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