Some days, I need to be told, assured, that I can do anything I put my mind to.
Others, I need to be assured that I can do this specific thing. Because Anything is too broad of a word.
There are too many strings attached to Anything.
It doesn't get any easier...
I know I've got to do this. I've got to stick with it. Keep going.
Because, once again, Summer can't last forever.
Winter will come again, sooner and harsher than before.
It's the same poison I've drank before. But I keep hoping beyond hope that it's not.
That it's different.
Like it's a cure disguised as a poison.
But it's not. So I have to throw the poison away. Throw it far away.
Who would've thought it'd be so hard? Who would've thought that I'd be doing this all over again?
I always secretly swore never again.
But oh, how high the stakes are now.
Because, once again, Summer can't last forever.
Winter will come again, sooner and harsher than before.
It's the same poison I've drank before. But I keep hoping beyond hope that it's not.
That it's different.
Like it's a cure disguised as a poison.
But it's not. So I have to throw the poison away. Throw it far away.
Who would've thought it'd be so hard? Who would've thought that I'd be doing this all over again?
I always secretly swore never again.
But oh, how high the stakes are now.
Shake it up
I'm everything you never wanted me to be.
And it's the greatest thing I could ever have done.
And it's the greatest thing I could ever have done.
Stupid Cell Phones.
I hate hate hate cellphone plans and companies.
And the cost of everything.
And how complicated it all is.
GAH! I feel like chucking the computer at the wall. But I love my little darling, and it's important that I keep it in as pristine of condition as I can...
Yep...
And the cost of everything.
And how complicated it all is.
GAH! I feel like chucking the computer at the wall. But I love my little darling, and it's important that I keep it in as pristine of condition as I can...
Yep...
Flickering Resolve
Figures.
After I get it all figured out. After I gather up all my conviction and my hurt and my pain, and I'm ready to push it in the direction I need to go, everything falls to pieces.
Outsiders would see it as everything getting better.
But it's temporary. I know it is. But it's hard all the same.
You know, whenever I think of my mom, I remember all the words she's said over the years. I remember her furies at nothing. When I try to pull up a happy memory, I get stuck with when I finally convinced her to teach me to cook, and every question I had was met with annoyance.
And then it gets funny. Because then we move onto my dad, and any of you who have been there with my previous blog know how surprising this is. Because for the past, what? Seven years? I've been at war with my dad, to the point of him throwing me into a bedpost.
But when I think of him, what do I see? Even in the midst of that huge war?
I see me, as a little girl, on a family hike back when we used to do things as a family and not as individuals. I see the steeply sloping hill; dirt, loose stones everywhere, all sliding down before me. And I see my dad holding my hand and I hear him tell me "Just take it one step at a time. You'll be okay."
And it makes me cry.
After everything, you know? No less than making my life hell.
And then helping my mother make my life even more hellish that the past seven years can't compare. They just can't.
After everything.
And one thing, one nice thing, tears my resolve to pieces and scatters it in the wind.
Stupid shelf. Stupid me. Stupid them for digging me a deeper ditch.
I don't owe them anything, but why does it feel like I owe them everything?
After I get it all figured out. After I gather up all my conviction and my hurt and my pain, and I'm ready to push it in the direction I need to go, everything falls to pieces.
Outsiders would see it as everything getting better.
But it's temporary. I know it is. But it's hard all the same.
You know, whenever I think of my mom, I remember all the words she's said over the years. I remember her furies at nothing. When I try to pull up a happy memory, I get stuck with when I finally convinced her to teach me to cook, and every question I had was met with annoyance.
And then it gets funny. Because then we move onto my dad, and any of you who have been there with my previous blog know how surprising this is. Because for the past, what? Seven years? I've been at war with my dad, to the point of him throwing me into a bedpost.
But when I think of him, what do I see? Even in the midst of that huge war?
I see me, as a little girl, on a family hike back when we used to do things as a family and not as individuals. I see the steeply sloping hill; dirt, loose stones everywhere, all sliding down before me. And I see my dad holding my hand and I hear him tell me "Just take it one step at a time. You'll be okay."
And it makes me cry.
After everything, you know? No less than making my life hell.
And then helping my mother make my life even more hellish that the past seven years can't compare. They just can't.
After everything.
And one thing, one nice thing, tears my resolve to pieces and scatters it in the wind.
Stupid shelf. Stupid me. Stupid them for digging me a deeper ditch.
I don't owe them anything, but why does it feel like I owe them everything?
When I Speak Out, What Do You Hear?
I don't need silence. Especially from my friends.
I don't need to be ignored, passed over like I've said nothing. Especially to those who I reach out to.
I need support.
But I guess that's too much to ask from some people.
I don't need to be ignored, passed over like I've said nothing. Especially to those who I reach out to.
I need support.
But I guess that's too much to ask from some people.
Happy Birthday to Me~
:D
My present to myself? Going to the OSC alone (which is in Toronto) since everyone else bailed.
Awesomest Day Ever. Even though I got lost quite a number of times.
Did you know people used to (and still) make fake mermaids by sewing the top half of a monkey to the bottom half of a fish? Gruesome. I'll have nightmares for a long time (there was an example there and everything.).
Nineteen. Feels good.
And I also had my first (official) driving lesson. I ended up shedding a few tears (one from each eye, part from being scared to death and the other from laughing so hard. Seriously.)
Didn't have to make my birthday cake (which is going to work, since it seems only the good children get a family get together for their birthday. Honestly? I don't mind not having one) but it won't be as good as mine, of course.
My present to myself? Going to the OSC alone (which is in Toronto) since everyone else bailed.
Awesomest Day Ever. Even though I got lost quite a number of times.
Did you know people used to (and still) make fake mermaids by sewing the top half of a monkey to the bottom half of a fish? Gruesome. I'll have nightmares for a long time (there was an example there and everything.).
Nineteen. Feels good.
And I also had my first (official) driving lesson. I ended up shedding a few tears (one from each eye, part from being scared to death and the other from laughing so hard. Seriously.)
Didn't have to make my birthday cake (which is going to work, since it seems only the good children get a family get together for their birthday. Honestly? I don't mind not having one) but it won't be as good as mine, of course.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)