How Things Go

If I say it, no one cares.

If I hide it, no one will find it.

This question again.

I thought I had said good bye.

This too shall pass

Because eventually, you're not allowed to express your feelings in prose, because that's for children. That's for angsty teenagers that know nothing better.

But sometimes, you can only explain your pain as your heart being put through a shredder.

What to do

They don't like me for who I am, and I can't stand being who I'm not. But it happens, again and again. And I just can't take it.

I'm hopeless and overwhelmed and stressed and I don't know how longer I can do this.

I don't want to deal anymore. I shouldn't have to. This isn't how it's supposed to unwind.

When it comes down to it...

It's not that I can't do this.

Maybe a little.

But it's that I shouldn't have to. This isn't how it's supposed to be.

This isn't how it's supposed to turn out.

There's a difference between having to and wanting to.

Have to. Have to. Have to.

Have to. Have to. Have to.

I want to stop it, but I can't.

If I think about it too much, I don't think I can do this.

Future Aspirations

Gotta love being told that you're going to grow up to be a "big bitch" by your cousin. All because you argued against her opinion that you were the problem in the family.

But I'd be lying if it didn't make me wonder if they're all right.

I'm not healed enough to totally discount her...

Not the way it goes

I've been told repeatedly that if I'm not doing anything wrong, if I'm innocent, don't worry. I won't be accused of anything. And if I am, I will be proven innocent.

But it's like my life is on repeat. Do you know how many times I've been accused of something I didn't do, and it has never been looked into further? Too many to count.

The incident that comes to mind is me in 3rd grade when, having done nothing to another girl, she whipped up some tears and ran to the teacher spouting lies, telling the teacher that I'd done all these things that she was, in fact, doing to me.

The teacher believed her. Nothing I said made a dent, it only condemned me further for "lying" and "continuing the lie."

And I know that it wasn't the first time. It was just the time that I found out whoever cries first gets more credibility. I actually tested this theory, and it worked.

Some people call me paranoid and silly when I explain to them that I don't like going into shops because I think someone is going to accuse me of stealing. Or call me annoying or my actions unnecessary when I do all I can to make sure what I'm doing and not doing is clearly defined.

But this has been happening to me my whole life. Maybe other people get the privilege of being seen as innocent when they are, but I haven't had such a luxury.

When I let my guard down, this is what happens. And even when my guard is up, it still happens.

There's no winning for me.

Gotta love working your butt off.

So apparently I fake all the surveys at work. And I never actually do any work.

I really don't know what to say anymore. I'm tired of this stuff happening to me.

Like I'd be stupid enough to fake surveys. Give me some credit.