GO CANADA!!!!
I love being Canadian!
Said About Having Nothing
There's something to be said about having very little left. Something good, rather than bad.
For instance- When someone threatens to ruin your life, you can sit back and laugh, thinking "What life?" Maybe if I still had the friends I did a month ago (wow, it has really been over a month...) I would be a bit worried, because they could crack me. And through them, whoever was threatening the life-ruining could get to me easily. If my friends were a stronger shield, maybe it would make it so much harder, but they weren't. I know that for a fact. Because I've had my "life" targeted before, way back in grade 9. Because I had friends that wouldn't support me, they got through my first line of defense.
And don't say I'm blaming it all on them, I'm not. But isn't all our first line of defense, or at least one of them, our friends? And wouldn't we be their line of defense?
Now, because I'm being the first line of defense for a one-time friend, I'm being targeted again. But what do I have? What do I have left to break, shatter, destroy?
Very little. And what I do have, most of it cannot be touched- my family, for example. Because while my friends used to be my first line of defense, my family has always been safe behind me, only coming out when necessary.
These girls who threaten to ruin me, my life, my social status, and whatever else they think I have? They have nothing on me because I have nothing on me. They can spread rumors about me, but who do I have to worry about actually believing them? No one. They can come up to me and say things that aren't true, but I know they aren't, besides, I'm in the school for one class, and maybe another for baking. When can they get me?
Yes. They can do some damage, but indeed there is something good to be said about hitting rock bottom, or even near rock bottom.
All they can use are rocks. And the rocks are dead things of really no importance to me. Yes, they can hurt, but they can only hurt me directly, and I can deal with that better than having the rock hit me because my friends helped it along.
For instance- When someone threatens to ruin your life, you can sit back and laugh, thinking "What life?" Maybe if I still had the friends I did a month ago (wow, it has really been over a month...) I would be a bit worried, because they could crack me. And through them, whoever was threatening the life-ruining could get to me easily. If my friends were a stronger shield, maybe it would make it so much harder, but they weren't. I know that for a fact. Because I've had my "life" targeted before, way back in grade 9. Because I had friends that wouldn't support me, they got through my first line of defense.
And don't say I'm blaming it all on them, I'm not. But isn't all our first line of defense, or at least one of them, our friends? And wouldn't we be their line of defense?
Now, because I'm being the first line of defense for a one-time friend, I'm being targeted again. But what do I have? What do I have left to break, shatter, destroy?
Very little. And what I do have, most of it cannot be touched- my family, for example. Because while my friends used to be my first line of defense, my family has always been safe behind me, only coming out when necessary.
These girls who threaten to ruin me, my life, my social status, and whatever else they think I have? They have nothing on me because I have nothing on me. They can spread rumors about me, but who do I have to worry about actually believing them? No one. They can come up to me and say things that aren't true, but I know they aren't, besides, I'm in the school for one class, and maybe another for baking. When can they get me?
Yes. They can do some damage, but indeed there is something good to be said about hitting rock bottom, or even near rock bottom.
All they can use are rocks. And the rocks are dead things of really no importance to me. Yes, they can hurt, but they can only hurt me directly, and I can deal with that better than having the rock hit me because my friends helped it along.
As If I'm Growing Off A Tree
Throughout my life, I've been threatened more times than I can count. One of the most prominent threats is "I will snap you like a twig." This is no doubt caused by my rather thin frame.
The utterance of threats towards me often comes from misplaced loyalty. I have never really had many loyal friends. Some of you who read this might know this from before, long ago, from a different blog entirely. Or you might have picked it up while reading either this blog, or Stealing Snowflakes. Or maybe you are one of those people who I've put my loyalty in, and found only hardship from it. Others, still, will only be learning this now, as I tell them. No matter. This is the truth. It is not bent or wholly damaged. I had and still have so-called friends that my loyalty has pinpointed. And once my loyalty has pinpointed a person, animal, object, it does not let go easily at all. It's a curse more than a blessing, I think.
Maybe it's more loyalty than trusting that is my problem. If not for my loyalty, many problems could be averted in many aspects- I would not tangle myself in another's problem to defend my friend, I would not have accusations of falsehood of my motives (since I tend to stand up for my friends, even if we are no more, they wonder why and deem my excuses- simple loyalty I am hard put to control, fake), and I'd not wish, dream, hope or expect others to be as loyal to me as I am to them, even after years upon years of friendship.
And then here is where it connects to today, instead of just being a random ramble (which would be fine, but if there is a purpose, why not use it?).
Today I stood up for a one-time friend who searched for any water-thin reason to run for the hills along with everyone else, and had found it in something I said in passing. She twisted my words, spun them into something I never intended, and turned on me. It was an attack that could have only happened had she been looking for a way to make it.
But yet, when someone decided to use the internet to insult her, I felt the need to step in and stay loyal to her though she had given me no reason to (for our friendship was marked and pitted with instances like the one above, and worse). And I got threatened for it.
The girl has threatened to "Snap me like a twig."
And me? I'm kind of looking forward to it. It will never happen, that I know. She will spread rumors, she will slander my name, she will giggle and laugh with her friends and taunt me, for that is her way, but she will not lay a hand on me.
I'm honestly curious here to know what it is like to be snapped like a twig, as I've heard the same threat uttered a hundred times, but not once has it come into effect.
The utterance of threats towards me often comes from misplaced loyalty. I have never really had many loyal friends. Some of you who read this might know this from before, long ago, from a different blog entirely. Or you might have picked it up while reading either this blog, or Stealing Snowflakes. Or maybe you are one of those people who I've put my loyalty in, and found only hardship from it. Others, still, will only be learning this now, as I tell them. No matter. This is the truth. It is not bent or wholly damaged. I had and still have so-called friends that my loyalty has pinpointed. And once my loyalty has pinpointed a person, animal, object, it does not let go easily at all. It's a curse more than a blessing, I think.
Maybe it's more loyalty than trusting that is my problem. If not for my loyalty, many problems could be averted in many aspects- I would not tangle myself in another's problem to defend my friend, I would not have accusations of falsehood of my motives (since I tend to stand up for my friends, even if we are no more, they wonder why and deem my excuses- simple loyalty I am hard put to control, fake), and I'd not wish, dream, hope or expect others to be as loyal to me as I am to them, even after years upon years of friendship.
And then here is where it connects to today, instead of just being a random ramble (which would be fine, but if there is a purpose, why not use it?).
Today I stood up for a one-time friend who searched for any water-thin reason to run for the hills along with everyone else, and had found it in something I said in passing. She twisted my words, spun them into something I never intended, and turned on me. It was an attack that could have only happened had she been looking for a way to make it.
But yet, when someone decided to use the internet to insult her, I felt the need to step in and stay loyal to her though she had given me no reason to (for our friendship was marked and pitted with instances like the one above, and worse). And I got threatened for it.
The girl has threatened to "Snap me like a twig."
And me? I'm kind of looking forward to it. It will never happen, that I know. She will spread rumors, she will slander my name, she will giggle and laugh with her friends and taunt me, for that is her way, but she will not lay a hand on me.
I'm honestly curious here to know what it is like to be snapped like a twig, as I've heard the same threat uttered a hundred times, but not once has it come into effect.
Heart-Bound Copies Of Our Lives
We'll sit under the sun-lit canopy,
Just us, each other, you and me.
There we will tell stories of our hopes and dreams
and about running through forests and swimming through streams.
And when we come to separate, and there will come the day,
We'll depart each with books of stories that in our hearts will stay.
Just us, each other, you and me.
There we will tell stories of our hopes and dreams
and about running through forests and swimming through streams.
And when we come to separate, and there will come the day,
We'll depart each with books of stories that in our hearts will stay.
Dear Abby,
A while ago I was wondering where this one girl went. I loved her writing, and she seemed to actually understand me when no one else even bothered. Except, well, she found her reality, and I'm so happy for her.
And me being the silly person I am didn't get around to setting notices on for comments. Today, when looking for posts to put on my favorite posts list, I found her comment from, oh, 16 days ago? (gosh, that day seems like months ago!)
And here I was, thinking that maybe she was gone forever, when she seemed to be here the whole time. Silly, silly me.
I don't know if you got the comment I left today (so belatedly), but I'll say something here, too.
Hey Abby! I hope you haven't mistaken my no-response as ignoring you! I honestly thought I'd get e-mailed (like before, on Perfectly Imperfect).
By the way, you made my day!
And me being the silly person I am didn't get around to setting notices on for comments. Today, when looking for posts to put on my favorite posts list, I found her comment from, oh, 16 days ago? (gosh, that day seems like months ago!)
And here I was, thinking that maybe she was gone forever, when she seemed to be here the whole time. Silly, silly me.
I don't know if you got the comment I left today (so belatedly), but I'll say something here, too.
Hey Abby! I hope you haven't mistaken my no-response as ignoring you! I honestly thought I'd get e-mailed (like before, on Perfectly Imperfect).
By the way, you made my day!
The Things In Our Lives
Sometimes... A lot of the time... I look at something, anything really, and want to know what it's like to be it.
What is it like to be a star? Is it lonely, with the closest star to you so far away? Or do you have loud enough voices to speak easily? Do we irritate you with all our wishes? Or are you just sad you cannot grant all of our wishes at once? Do you contemplate forever what wish you will grant when you finally shoot off? Or do you do it on impulse, on the first person to make a wish upon you?
What of a cloud? Always changing, subject to the wind. How does that feel? Sometimes I wonder if the clouds see similarities in us, in themselves. We are always changing. We are subject to our own flow of life.
Or a rock, perhaps. How does it feel to be overlooked, forgotten about, stepped on, beaten down, until the wind and rain erode you to nothing? I think we all know how that feels, but how is it to have it happen every day of your life?
Or the teddy bear we used to be so fond of. They sit on the edge of the bed, or in the closet, or on a chair, or in a box, forgotten about. Sometimes forever. Sometimes until we realize we can't live without them. Do they feel used? Or are they just happy to be able to help us?
These masks on my wall, do they feel sorry for me? They've not seen everything, but they've seen the end result of it all. They've seen me cry, they've seen me wish myself elsewhere, they've seen me happy, even. Do they wonder what happened, where everything went, when they couldn't look upon me? Do they wish they could cry through their porcelain eyes? Or do they think me lucky I can express emotions in the way they cannot?
What would the things in our lives say, if they only had a way to express it in a way we'd understand?
What is it like to be a star? Is it lonely, with the closest star to you so far away? Or do you have loud enough voices to speak easily? Do we irritate you with all our wishes? Or are you just sad you cannot grant all of our wishes at once? Do you contemplate forever what wish you will grant when you finally shoot off? Or do you do it on impulse, on the first person to make a wish upon you?
What of a cloud? Always changing, subject to the wind. How does that feel? Sometimes I wonder if the clouds see similarities in us, in themselves. We are always changing. We are subject to our own flow of life.
Or a rock, perhaps. How does it feel to be overlooked, forgotten about, stepped on, beaten down, until the wind and rain erode you to nothing? I think we all know how that feels, but how is it to have it happen every day of your life?
Or the teddy bear we used to be so fond of. They sit on the edge of the bed, or in the closet, or on a chair, or in a box, forgotten about. Sometimes forever. Sometimes until we realize we can't live without them. Do they feel used? Or are they just happy to be able to help us?
These masks on my wall, do they feel sorry for me? They've not seen everything, but they've seen the end result of it all. They've seen me cry, they've seen me wish myself elsewhere, they've seen me happy, even. Do they wonder what happened, where everything went, when they couldn't look upon me? Do they wish they could cry through their porcelain eyes? Or do they think me lucky I can express emotions in the way they cannot?
What would the things in our lives say, if they only had a way to express it in a way we'd understand?
Trusting
I'd like to say it's hard for me to trust someone. Honestly, if it was hard for me to trust someone, I wouldn't be in half the problems I am in.
But I can't say that. Not truthfully. I trust people all to easily. I'll tell people things even though I know that in a couple of months, we won't be friends and they could very well spread it around.
But is that really trusting them? Or is it just me being... daring? Stupid?
I will tell someone something, knowing that I won't always be friends with them. Knowing that in a few months, we won't be on speaking terms. I will tell them knowing that, in time, they will believe they have every reason to spread everything I've ever told them around. I tell them knowing that they will spread it around, maybe even before we stop speaking- because I know their nature.
I know that Michelle will tell everyone she can find what I've told her in the dark of our sleepovers. I knew Rebecca would, and still does, tell people what I've said, done, thought. It's in their natures.
So what would you call this? Trust?
Maybe the truth is I don't trust anyone, but can't not say anything. It seems that way right now. I used to tell no one anything, and then I started to, and now I can't stop.
I really wish I had a classification. A name for this.
But I can't say that. Not truthfully. I trust people all to easily. I'll tell people things even though I know that in a couple of months, we won't be friends and they could very well spread it around.
But is that really trusting them? Or is it just me being... daring? Stupid?
I will tell someone something, knowing that I won't always be friends with them. Knowing that in a few months, we won't be on speaking terms. I will tell them knowing that, in time, they will believe they have every reason to spread everything I've ever told them around. I tell them knowing that they will spread it around, maybe even before we stop speaking- because I know their nature.
I know that Michelle will tell everyone she can find what I've told her in the dark of our sleepovers. I knew Rebecca would, and still does, tell people what I've said, done, thought. It's in their natures.
So what would you call this? Trust?
Maybe the truth is I don't trust anyone, but can't not say anything. It seems that way right now. I used to tell no one anything, and then I started to, and now I can't stop.
I really wish I had a classification. A name for this.
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