I Wish

Today's been a hard day.

I feel like I'd do anything to stay at Terri's again.

But I won't.

I just remember the coyote, sleeping without fear, eating pizza, sitting on her couch. The memories hurt and they sting, and they're the memories I honestly thought wouldn't do this to me.

I kind of feel heartbroken.

I woke up today at 4am to a huge crash of thunder that shook the whole house and continued and continued and continued.

I thought I was going to die. I hadn't heard thunder in so long, and in my disoriented state...

I know my mind shot to the questions it always does when I wake up at such a time: Am I next? Is my mom coming after me? What will she say now? Will I feel like killing myself again?

I don't want to fear my parents anymore. I didn't fear my parents at Terri's, and now it's blocked off to me.

I wish... part of me wishes I never asked for her help. But I don't really mean that.

I just wish it didn't turn out this way. I wish I knew why it did.