Saw a walk-in counselor today. Was told this all isn't my fault. I have every right to be upset.

I hear these things from my friends, but it's not the same, you know? Your friends are generally going to take your side on these types of things. But when someone professional says it, someone who doesn't have personal ties to me or my family, well, it makes things seem a little more... true?

Took me a while to accept the word "abuse" when it was put in terms of my life. I thought it wasn't that bad, but it wasn't until I started talking and then everything spilled out, things I didn't even think about anymore, that I realized just how bad it was.

Yep. And my parents don't know a thing. I'll have to tell them eventually if I keep going or if I join this group the counselor wants me to, which seems like a great idea. Don't know how they'll react to that. Probably blow up.


Complicated. As always.

Can't Do This Anymore

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I know I should suck it up. Put on a stone face. Refuse to give in. Be strong.

But I'm breaking. I'm breaking all around. I can't cry because if I cry I am scared I'll never stop. But I can't hold myself together for much longer.

I have nowhere to go. No plan. No way to do anything. I'm more trapped than I ever realized.

Suck it up. Be stronger than I really am.

I don't know what to do, and I'm losing hope. I just don't know.

In one night, I am almost 1/6th the way to a month's riding come February. You probably did the math right.

9 hours at work. I hate weddings, especially insane ones where courses are spread out over eight hours. I like my supervisors, who let me go home when they realized I had 3 hours of sleep, and had to get up early to work again tomorrow- my *favorite* day (sarcasm heavy), Sunday Brunch.

Hopefully tomorrow doesn't make me want to give up my dream of being a pastry chef, like last Sunday did.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

And I have a new "work-friend" who's planning to have 300-400 people at her 17th birthday party, which she will be renting out one of the most expensive halls in the area. She has yet to choose.

Makes one feel poorer than dirt. But in a happy, cheerful way.

Absolutely divine.

Oh Insomnia, How I Hate Thee

Who needs sleep?

Well... I kind of do.

I really hate insomnia. Hate it. Despise it. And anything that could help me get over it (that doesn't include sleeping pills), the cost is just...

Not what I can handle.

Besides, I need to start saving up for riding lessons, which, if I want to compete in jumping class next season, I'll be riding three times a week and it will be costing me something like 600$ per month, including gas (though I have yet to get experience with driving and gas and all that fun fun stuff, so it's a guess in the dark).

Well I guess there's nothing else to do with my time or money (insert snort here).

Today will be interesting on no sleep.

For Being You

I can't say it enough, but thanks.

Thanks for understanding. Thanks for telling me the truth.

Thanks for being you.

Because I don't know what I'd do if you didn't do these things and more.

So, thanks.

Defense Maneuvers

I like to think we deserve each other. That I actually deserve someone like you, and that you equally deserve someone like me.

And I also like to think that I'm fully healed, as if I can trust completely again. Because I've always been able to trust completely, though you don't know that yet.

But I can't. I like to think that you will never hurt me, and honestly, you seem like a great person who never would hurt me. It's somewhat a good thing that I want to trust you, that a part of me believes I can trust you. But still, I can't. I can't afford to. People chance in front of my eyes, and I don't know where you'll be if things get rough.

Or when things get great.

I don't know where you'll be. And I want to know, though I won't be able to do anything with the information.

So I know you could do better, but I desperately hope you don't.

Sorry. My apologies. I never mean to hurt you, but I just can't trust you to think the same.

Best Friends Forever

If two people agree to be best friends forever, for life, no matter what happens, and they eventually break apart, are they suddenly not best friends forever, were they never true best friends, or will they always be best friends because of that oath, even if theey don't act like it?

What is a true best friend? We say we'll be best friends forever to so many people in one lifetime, maybe what a best friend forever is is someone who you felt was great, and ended up being someone you can't look in the eye because they hurt you so much. Maybe that is the definition.

If so, I don't want any more best friends forever.

Field Hockey

I miss field hockey. Like, I really miss it.

I tend to get off easy the 8-10 other months of the year (depends if there's summer practice I was never invited to, and if the season runs late) and forget about how much I loved it, minus the back pain.

But then September rolls around (or August, that's even more painful since when they started such practices, I was never informed, never invited) and I'm reminded about how much I love the sport, hate the people and the coach. Kind of sucks living right beside a high school for this reason.

I still have the stick, the cleats, the shin pads, the everything, somewhere. Scattered through the house. I still remember the drills and the passes and my goals that I guess weren't as appreciated as I thought.

But more I remember the people, the coach. How because I didn't suck up to the people who were the coach's best pupils, I was hardly ever played (I'm not even joking, this coach has a long, solid history of doing this and worse). How I was supposed to know how to play on the field no problem when they played me once out of nowhere, and then never again. How that stupid #@$!% who I've never gotten along with thwacked me hard with her stick on stupid practice, for no reason I can really remember except that we hated each other.

And a bunch of other unpleasant things.

So even if I still could join up (I can't, not in the school anymore) I wouldn't.

As Xannie says, "It sucks when it's the people and not the sport that drives you away."

Indeed. And there's no field hockey clubs around here, and I'm not sure I'm confident enough to join if there was one.

Forgiveness is a Virtue, isn't it?

I'd forgive you, I would.

I'd forgive you, I like to think.

I'd forgive you... maybe.

I'd forgive you- in time.

Hm... How about we don't count on the forgiveness, and just try to live without?

I think I'd live happier, not forgiving you. And as for you, well, I'm pretty sure I'd have to forgive you to let myself figure out how you might feel.

And that's just not going to happen.

Second Chances

Is it you that I want to give a second chance to, a second chance to prove to me that you're worth my time, worth the pain you've caused and always will cause, worth the sinking feeling in my stomach that shows up whenever I think to forgive you...

Or is it me that I want to give a second chance to. A second chance to be who you want me to be, instead of who I really am. A second chance to do things right by you instead of right by me. To do things differently, to change myself into someone I hardly know, just for a bit of nostalgia?  To feel loved by someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally? Who I always thought loved me no matter what?

And if I gave either of us a second chance, well... it's kind of sounding as if it'd just be a repeat. A second chance to do the exact same things we did the first time.

So what's the point?

The Gold at the End of the Rainbow

I'm familiar with things that are too good to be true.

I'm familiar of the feeling you get when you try to grab onto them and they slide through your fingers.

I'm even more familiar with the feeling you get when you reach for them and feel the teeth of a poisoned barb in your palm, and the poison spreads to your heart.

I'm also familiar with the last minute feeling of Oh no, just as you reach from safety into the land of no turning back.

And I know as I continue on this path that this is too good to be true. I should turn away now, it's too thin of a line to follow and leads to gold that probably isn't there. That in all rights, shouldn't be there.

But I'm so desperate for company, for something perfect, for something good, that I can't turn away.

Now I'm just waiting for that feeling of reaching too far, leaving safety and grasping for what I need so much, but will feel that familiar prickle of everything going wrong.

Because I don't think this will be one of those times that everything will just simply slide through my fingers.

Desperation does funny, hurtful things. And I'm hoping beyond hope that this time, this isn't too good to be true.

Maybe a comfy desk job would be better for me...

So. Much. Pain. I don't think my feet have ever hurt this much.

Took over most of the pastry line today. A little insane since it was the weekly Sunday Buffet, which means the work never stops, cause you have to keep everything filled up as completely as possible.

And, you know, since it was only my 3rd day, and my Supervisor left me to handle it all.

So. Ow.

But apparently I did a great job.

Dear Those Who All Come After,

It is depressing to realize that I cannot risk depending on someone to be there for any long amount of time. I'm still scared to grow attached, because I can't afford to have anything be taken away from me. Because in my mind it will be, and I'll be watching sandcastles being washed away by some tidal wave.

So to all those who come after, I'm sorry, but I just can't grow attached.

You won't always be there for me. One day we'll grow apart, or break apart, and I don't want to go through that again. Disagree as much as you like, but one day our castle will be nothing but simple sand laying on the shore, nothing left to show what it once was.

Hope in the Unchanging

It'll never be easy. No matter what I do, some things will never change. My skin, my memories, my mind, it's all a scratch pad. There's no eraser.

But maybe there isn't supposed to be an eraser. Maybe some things aren't supposed to change.

Maybe what you are has never changed. Perhaps you've always been this way, but we both covered you in glossy paints and decked you out in pretty pearls.

And maybe I'd like to think it that way- even if I have to blame myself for painting you as something you never were. Because maybe it's too hard to think that you were always changing and I just never saw it.

Round and Round Again

It's depressing, that this has all come back down to this.

Me, running for freedom in the middle of the night.

Running away from yelling and unfair accusations, running away from the inability to get a word in edgewise and the knowledge that even if I do, it doesn't matter at all.

It's funny though, how things come somewhat full circle, but it's so different.

I didn't run to the safest place I could find, the predictable place, the place where I was unsure if anyone would answer the door and let me in.

I ran to a pretty dangerous place, an unpredictable place, a place that I knew I'd be allowed in, despite everything.

They were the same place.

Her house.

So surreal, seeing how completely I've been replaced. And yet, it's still incomplete. Because I had too big of shoes to fill. I left a gaping hole in the tapestry of that whole... thing. And they tried to fill it up with going all out, overdoing, overcompensating. And they still came up short.

It's a bitter type of amusement. This whole situation is.

And I don't regret a thing. Isn't it strange? You'd think I'd regret something, anything. But I don't. I don't regret a thing...

Perhaps I am simply too tired to care. Or maybe I really don't care.

If anything, this whole experience has solidified my no-regrets thing.

But I just want to put it out there, because I need to tell someone- I wasn't a mess. I didn't broke down. I was happy, for the most part, this time around.

But it doesn't mean that I wasn't sad, that I didn't care, that loneliness and despair and disappointment wasn't about to crush me any moment.

I just... ignored it. I pushed it away whenever I felt it. I occupied myself with other things.

So... There's a difference between being happy/bold/nonchalant/strong and pushing things away constantly so they don't hurt you as much.

Just as you can't describe exactly what loneliness feels like, you can't describe this kind of thing.

Time Machine

It's hard, okay, how I always seem to compare this year to last year, and see everything changing. I don't regret it, none of this. But it's different. Really different.

And I realize that if I had made one decision differently, everything would be different right now. Not that I want it to be, but I would like to see how it would work out, you know?

It's conflicting emotions, and I hate it.

I wouldn't change anything, but I still wish I could relive the past, if only for a little bit. Maybe test out a few different choices.

I'm Okay

I don't know what to say.

It happens more often than you think. For someone with so many words clogging up her head and so much desire to just have them all out there, I seem to never know what to say.

So, bear with me.

There's ups and downs to life. Obvious. I know. And I know that with everything that happens, there's a good point, and a bad point. And I like to believe that if they're not equal in measure, the good point will reach above the bad. Quite possibly, this could be me deluding myself. But hey, let's just stick with it, because it's cheerful and it's peppy and it's something that I rarely seem to see in myself.

Not to say I'm totally negative, but let's face it- I'm not the most optimistic fish in the barrel.

I call it realism, you call it "how did she ever survive without happy pills?" To-mate-oh, To-mah-to.

Everything has a reason for happening. I believe this too. How can I believe this when I don't believe in a god? Good question, but it makes sense in my mind. And again, it's that cheerful, peppy part of me that we're just going to accept. Got it? Good. Here's some cookies, because I like you so much.

But despite these safety nets, I'm not immune to negative bouts where I wish ___blank____ never happened. I think if you look back, that is evident.

But right now I think I'm getting to that point where not a lot of memories make me want to reverse time and change things, or live the "good life" all over again. And even though  I've spent the last forever saying that I wouldn't change a thing, it's somewhat like, though it was true before, it's even truer now. Solid true, instead of a wavy cloud blanket of true, changing and disappearing and reappearing at the wind's wish.

I've come a long way. I've made new friends, solidified old friendships, found out what it means to be free, what it means to be in something healthy. I'm scared out of my mind at times, but those things that used to send me into a panic don't anymore. To let the good times keep rolling and not look at the upcoming end- it was the right thing to do. Because I thought I was going to be alone, I did. But now I'm not, because it worked out. I made it work out.

And it's not perfect. Quite possibly, it will never be perfect. I'm more wary of things looking to be perfect and smooth, because I've found that there's a long way to fall when it all cracks apart, and it will crack apart.

I'm okay. And to any of you who were holding out on making sure I was okay, and to know I really meant it when I said it, well... I think now is that time. Thanks.

I might have not found my reality yet, or maybe I have but haven't realized it, but... I'm okay. I truly think this.

Tomorrow will be another day. Something will go wrong, but something will go right, too. And for some reason, I don't think the lesson all these months were trying to teach me was to stay scared in a little box, trying to be perfect to everyone outside, but shattering to pieces inside. I've got to reach out, to take leaps I'm not sure where I'll land. Some people will call me crazy, but I think that's the way I am.

I jump, I leap, I worry and look into the fog, hoping to see a glimpse of the land I'm stepping onto, but I know I can't always do so. So I go for it. I guess that's been part of my nature all along.

So... thanks. All of you. And me. Because I've got to give myself some credit.