I'm Okay

I don't know what to say.

It happens more often than you think. For someone with so many words clogging up her head and so much desire to just have them all out there, I seem to never know what to say.

So, bear with me.

There's ups and downs to life. Obvious. I know. And I know that with everything that happens, there's a good point, and a bad point. And I like to believe that if they're not equal in measure, the good point will reach above the bad. Quite possibly, this could be me deluding myself. But hey, let's just stick with it, because it's cheerful and it's peppy and it's something that I rarely seem to see in myself.

Not to say I'm totally negative, but let's face it- I'm not the most optimistic fish in the barrel.

I call it realism, you call it "how did she ever survive without happy pills?" To-mate-oh, To-mah-to.

Everything has a reason for happening. I believe this too. How can I believe this when I don't believe in a god? Good question, but it makes sense in my mind. And again, it's that cheerful, peppy part of me that we're just going to accept. Got it? Good. Here's some cookies, because I like you so much.

But despite these safety nets, I'm not immune to negative bouts where I wish ___blank____ never happened. I think if you look back, that is evident.

But right now I think I'm getting to that point where not a lot of memories make me want to reverse time and change things, or live the "good life" all over again. And even though  I've spent the last forever saying that I wouldn't change a thing, it's somewhat like, though it was true before, it's even truer now. Solid true, instead of a wavy cloud blanket of true, changing and disappearing and reappearing at the wind's wish.

I've come a long way. I've made new friends, solidified old friendships, found out what it means to be free, what it means to be in something healthy. I'm scared out of my mind at times, but those things that used to send me into a panic don't anymore. To let the good times keep rolling and not look at the upcoming end- it was the right thing to do. Because I thought I was going to be alone, I did. But now I'm not, because it worked out. I made it work out.

And it's not perfect. Quite possibly, it will never be perfect. I'm more wary of things looking to be perfect and smooth, because I've found that there's a long way to fall when it all cracks apart, and it will crack apart.

I'm okay. And to any of you who were holding out on making sure I was okay, and to know I really meant it when I said it, well... I think now is that time. Thanks.

I might have not found my reality yet, or maybe I have but haven't realized it, but... I'm okay. I truly think this.

Tomorrow will be another day. Something will go wrong, but something will go right, too. And for some reason, I don't think the lesson all these months were trying to teach me was to stay scared in a little box, trying to be perfect to everyone outside, but shattering to pieces inside. I've got to reach out, to take leaps I'm not sure where I'll land. Some people will call me crazy, but I think that's the way I am.

I jump, I leap, I worry and look into the fog, hoping to see a glimpse of the land I'm stepping onto, but I know I can't always do so. So I go for it. I guess that's been part of my nature all along.

So... thanks. All of you. And me. Because I've got to give myself some credit.


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