The Short Life

I'd only talked to him maybe twice, three times. Always with some of my friends around. Or rather, I'd be around them all. There's a difference there, even if you don't know it.

And this kind of stuff, well it doesn't happen around here. It just doesn't. It's not that my town is super small, or super safe. It's just that... up here it seems like it's own little bubble. And things happen...

Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is, this doesn't happen to people I know, and to people who people I know, know. We're not a huge, tight-knit group. Some of us hate each other, some of us have history, some of us have nothing at all. But it only takes one thread to bind people.

So you can kind of see how I'd be skeptical. People have played crueler jokes. And this stuff just doesn't happen. Not around here.

So far, rumors say that he got hit by a car near the mall. Another says that he died in his sleep, which is scary. Cause he's our age. Maybe even younger. I think he skipped a grade or two.

There's nothing about it anywhere. Sunday is a silent day for news and the like.

No, I don't need condolences. I hardly knew him. Doesn't mean I don't feel anything for it all, but really, I can't say anything. I have nothing to say. It's sad, but I'm not hurting. I'm more scared than anything, to be reminded that this kind of stuff happens.

No, it's those who were actually friends with him that need the condolences and the support.

It's a crazy world out there. It's sad that the young and the great and the hardworking don't always get to live it fully.

The Failure of Prince Charming

The streetlight reveals her tragic face, the rain plasters her hair to her coat. Cold water drips down the back of my shirt and the wind makes me shiver, but I don't move. I can't move. It's not right to suggest the search for warmth.

It's times like this that make you remember that the world isn't fair, and no matter how many times you assure yourself that you'll do what you want and no one can stop you, there's always something that can stop you. Something that will crash on you and leave you stuck where you hate it most.

But this is different. Because it's not just a reminder, a warning, a scolding. It's not something I can just shake off like I've done before, saying that it won't ever be me. Like those times where you say you believe it, but deep down, or not so deep down, you don't believe it will ever happen to you.

This is different. It hits me right in the heart. I can't look away, believe that it won't happen to me though I hope beyond hope it doesn't.

"There's nothing I can do. I'd give everything up, everything, but I can't. And it kills me."

Heartbreak. That's what is on her face. Pure, but not simple.

"What am I supposed to do?"

I wish I knew. I wish I had an answer she could deal with. But there's nothing. She's trapped, and the only way, the only way, she can get out of it is if her prince comes and saves her.

But her prince isn't coming. He never will. We both know it, but we dance around the truth because neither of us can afford such a pricey thing.

The classic fairy tale with a dark twist, an impossible circumstance, and a player who doesn't wish to fill his part.

When we dreamed up our paths to happily ever afters, we never thought it would go this wrong.

Just An Idea

I have to wonder what my friends think of me going to counseling. Wonder what others think.

Xandra supports me fully, and doesn't think anything off about it. She's been there 100% from the start. That and she's not really in a position to criticize, not that she would.

But what of Abi? or Jules?  They've got such normal lives... What do they think?

I won't ever know, but I'd like an idea...


Okay so I'm supposed to write a reflection. Or, I've been suggested to. I don't have to do anything, that's been clear. So I'm going to write it here because this is the only way it's going to get done, and whether I publish it or not, well, that's up to me.

Why am I avoiding this? I don't know. I had writers block till Friday-ish. But then I just avoided. I guess I've never been good at normal reflections, which is strange since I guess a lot of what I write on here can be considered a reflection.

All I know is that ever since Rebecca pointed out that a lot of my mannerisms that I've pretty much put in the box of "What I Just Am" might be better put in the box of "What My Parents Made Me Be," I've been analyzing a lot of things. Mannerisms. Quirks. Fears. Etc. Etc.

And I could be totally off. Or I could be totally right.

Like how I'm always paranoid when I go into a store that I'm going to be accused of shoplifting, even though I'd never do such a thing, and there's nothing I'm doing that would make me suspect to such a thing. But I get accused a lot at home for doing something or meaning something I didn't do/mean. And one of the biggest things is the possibility of the person accusing me not believing my innocence. My parents won't even listen to me if they think I've done something. I'm guilty and if I'm proven innocent, they still don't retract anything. Don't say sorry, don't acknowledge it at all.

Made a list in the session too. A drawing of me in the center (I did a stick figure. I kind of debated on making one of my not-so-good chibi-esque drawings, but I didn't want to waste time, and what if it turned out suckish?) and then words/phrases that describe how everything going on makes me feel. I didn't get much at first, but then Vanessa began to read a list of all the general feelings people get, and the page started filling up really fast. Apparently we're not even done half the list yet, and from what I can remember, there's not all that much room.

So I've been thinking a lot lately, obviously. Not sure what my conclusion is. But I've also been looking at some sites. Most deal with abusive relationships in dating, so it kind of annoys me that a lot of it needs to be stretched to apply to my situation, or doesn't apply that much at all.

No matter how I feel beforehand, though, I feel better after. Even if I bawl my eyes out. Maybe especially then.

Not sure what else I'm supposed to write in such a reflection so... This is it, I guess.

Tension Remains


Not quite blowing over easy right now. But died down. Mainly cause there was a lost dog and my mom was forced to talk to me.

I'm still hated though. I'm just not on freeze out.

And tomorrow is the annual marathon penny sale, which I tend to go to because I like penny sales (though I like working them more than just sitting around waiting for my number to be called). But this time it will only be my grandma and the threat of the public seeing just who my mother is that will be protecting me.

Tough decision.


So I had a dream about me being in the middle of an earthquake. Then I woke up.

Maybe it's weird that I would want to have stayed asleep though I was totally panicking in my dream, rather than wake up to reality.

But this is normal for me.

Someone's chasing me with a gun, I have to save the world and am failing horribly, one of my closest friends has turned into a monster.

I'd like to see the ending, please.

Who do I take that up with?

and I barely said a word

Felt the explosion coming, got to see it first-hand, and I'd be a liar if I wasn't hoping for it.

Cause I think what's worse than the explosion is knowing it's coming, just not knowing  when. So you're walking on eggshells, starting off softly, and then stomping on them, cause you know it's coming and you should try to wait it out, but it's getting to the point that you can't wait. You can't have this lion stalking you for who knows how long, so you turn around brandishing a knife every few steps.

Don't want to be caught unawares, now.

Which is why I shed few tears today. Cause I was ready. I was kind of worried that it wouldn't come, actually, and I'd be one of those people who overreact and overemphasize the small things.

If I think about it too much, if I think about all the things she said, all the things she's done and threatened to do. Well, I might cry.

So I won't think. I'll shut down cause I have no other way to go.

It's normal to wish that everything that happened was physical instead of mental, apparently. Well. Yep. That's me. Right now, and so many times in the past.

At least then I wouldn't think I was insane, that I actually deserved this.

And here come the tears. So I'm going to end this post here. I wish I could end everything else here too, but life doesn't work like that.

Friday Nights

It's one of those things I should have seen coming. But I didn't want to think about it because it'd just hurt the same either way.

So I'm just waiting for Sunday to come, cause I know that it will take more than a night for it all to blow over.

I'll Fall Asleep Content Under The Setting Sun

Went to the Royal with Alex.

Completely and totally awesome. Greater than the last time, for sure. (It was a long time ago anyways, but still)

I would say I think I'm getting to the point of not missing yesterday's too-blue sky...

But I won't. Cause then I get screwed.

But let's stay happy?

I got a cowgirl hat, as weird as that sounds. I love it. And Alex and I had the greatest time ever. Superdogs is awesome too. And Ian Miller. I hope he won, we had to leave before the International Jumpers ended, but the whole crowd was holding their breath while Ian Miller went over those jumps- and didn't knock one.

Totally worth it, even if I didn't get to write a single word today. Maybe especially because of that.

And I love riding trains officially right now. First time was today, how awesome/sad is that?

Braided my own hair today, to get the real cowgirl look. First time I've done pigtails. Probably the first time I've braided my hair well. I suck at braiding

Now... good night. Sleep tight. Drift off to the moon's lullaby.