Okay so I'm supposed to write a reflection. Or, I've been suggested to. I don't have to do anything, that's been clear. So I'm going to write it here because this is the only way it's going to get done, and whether I publish it or not, well, that's up to me.

Why am I avoiding this? I don't know. I had writers block till Friday-ish. But then I just avoided. I guess I've never been good at normal reflections, which is strange since I guess a lot of what I write on here can be considered a reflection.

All I know is that ever since Rebecca pointed out that a lot of my mannerisms that I've pretty much put in the box of "What I Just Am" might be better put in the box of "What My Parents Made Me Be," I've been analyzing a lot of things. Mannerisms. Quirks. Fears. Etc. Etc.

And I could be totally off. Or I could be totally right.

Like how I'm always paranoid when I go into a store that I'm going to be accused of shoplifting, even though I'd never do such a thing, and there's nothing I'm doing that would make me suspect to such a thing. But I get accused a lot at home for doing something or meaning something I didn't do/mean. And one of the biggest things is the possibility of the person accusing me not believing my innocence. My parents won't even listen to me if they think I've done something. I'm guilty and if I'm proven innocent, they still don't retract anything. Don't say sorry, don't acknowledge it at all.

Made a list in the session too. A drawing of me in the center (I did a stick figure. I kind of debated on making one of my not-so-good chibi-esque drawings, but I didn't want to waste time, and what if it turned out suckish?) and then words/phrases that describe how everything going on makes me feel. I didn't get much at first, but then Vanessa began to read a list of all the general feelings people get, and the page started filling up really fast. Apparently we're not even done half the list yet, and from what I can remember, there's not all that much room.

So I've been thinking a lot lately, obviously. Not sure what my conclusion is. But I've also been looking at some sites. Most deal with abusive relationships in dating, so it kind of annoys me that a lot of it needs to be stretched to apply to my situation, or doesn't apply that much at all.

No matter how I feel beforehand, though, I feel better after. Even if I bawl my eyes out. Maybe especially then.

Not sure what else I'm supposed to write in such a reflection so... This is it, I guess.


Post a Comment