Reasons Why I Like Sleeping In My Own Bed

1. My melatonin is within reach at all times. So I can generally shut up the voices in my head whenever they get too rowdy.

2. My room does not smell like a mixture of baby and baby formula. It really is a sickening smell.

3. In the bathroom, there is no bunny with two inch nails following me with its eyes, staring at me like it sees right through me while I do business.

4. My house does not usually make unfamiliar and totally creepy sounds that make me believe a serial killer is about to break in and kill me (overlooking the times that I am home completely alone, of course).

5. There isn't anyone living above me, and therefore I do not need to distinguish the footsteps of an upstairs neighbour, and one of a ninja intent on holding me hostage and/or killing me. I know it's a ninja, and I can act accordingly (AKA run out of the house screaming).

6. If there are strange and scary noises, and I don't feel like possibly making a fool out of myself, I have my childhood teddy bear to hold onto. This also applies to times I feel particularly alone in the world, or otherwise depressed. Do not judge me.

7. My windows have blinds that generally cover and hide me from the world and the world from me. Therefore, I can be reasonably sure that no one is looking in on me from outside, watching me ever so intently. And I can be assured that the world does not see me before I have tamed my hair.

8. I have a flashlight that may or may not be contraband. I do not have to use my feeble cell phone light to read a hundred pages when I cannot sleep or cannot be bothered to turn on the main light and be blinded (and otherwise signal my presence to aforementioned serial killers, ninjas and creepy bunnies). This is actually a big point. If you don't believe me, try reading so many pages with a dim cell phone light that shuts off every minute or so.

9. When I can't get to sleep because my hair or face feels too greasy or dirty (which it may or may not really be, but I can be very focused on these things when I'm trying to sleep), I can simply hop in the shower and fix all that. Other people tend to take note of this, though, and either look at you funny or don't really think it's necessary. It is. Trust me.

10. If I happen to be starving in the middle of the night, or when I wake up, I generally know where to scavenge for food, in the off chance we have any. I don't really have to spin around in a circle, opening every drawer and cupboard only to find utensils and china in the oddest of places, and simply settle on water and questionably aged crackers to dine on.


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