I want a can of Coca-Cola so bad right now, you have no idea.
I also can't have one.
Because then I 1. will never sleep,and 2. My heart might just explode.
But I'm tempted to anyways.
Our Happy Place
No. I get it. I really do. I get it, because I've sat in that exact same chair as you. Comfy, isn't it? So soft, yet firm. Cozy enough that you could bury yourself in it and bring a book along, and you wouldn't mind to stay there all night, day and night again. It's bright enough there, too. Right under the sunny lamp, that you can change to the soft glow of a candle with a clap of your hands. Beside you, you've got your favorite beverage. An iced tea, perhaps. Or a hot chocolate with whipped cream and chocolate shavings. Or your favorite can of cola.
It's comfortable where you are. And I don't blame you for staying there. Not one bit. Because I would have, in a flash. I would never have left, even if my legs slept and became pin-prickly.
Why did I leave?
You. I left for you. I put down my book with a sigh, knowing that I'd not flip the page again, I'd never find out what happened, or how it ended. Then I grabbed hold of the high arms of the chair, and pushed myself out of my comfortable, dream-like world.
I knocked on your door, you know? Did you hear? Did you hear that echo of a knock from your comfortable chair? What did you think when you heard it? Did you even look up from your book to see me standing there, getting drenched in the pouring rain, hoping, praying I wouldn't be making a fool out of myself, hoping, praying that maybe this time getting out of my comfy chair would be worth it?
Did you care?
It might seem like I'm mad at you, and sometimes I wish I was. But I'm not. Despite everything I gave up, I don't hate you the tiniest bit. I am not even hurt by you. I can't be.
Because I know how you were, how you felt. I brought the unknown to your door, and you didn't answer the door. How could I expect you to? For, when you brought your very own unknown to my door, I did much the same thing.
I know what kind of situation your in. I just wish we had decided to push ourselves from our comfortable chairs with our half-read books and reach out to the unknown brought by each other at the same time.
It's comfortable where you are. And I don't blame you for staying there. Not one bit. Because I would have, in a flash. I would never have left, even if my legs slept and became pin-prickly.
Why did I leave?
You. I left for you. I put down my book with a sigh, knowing that I'd not flip the page again, I'd never find out what happened, or how it ended. Then I grabbed hold of the high arms of the chair, and pushed myself out of my comfortable, dream-like world.
I knocked on your door, you know? Did you hear? Did you hear that echo of a knock from your comfortable chair? What did you think when you heard it? Did you even look up from your book to see me standing there, getting drenched in the pouring rain, hoping, praying I wouldn't be making a fool out of myself, hoping, praying that maybe this time getting out of my comfy chair would be worth it?
Did you care?
It might seem like I'm mad at you, and sometimes I wish I was. But I'm not. Despite everything I gave up, I don't hate you the tiniest bit. I am not even hurt by you. I can't be.
Because I know how you were, how you felt. I brought the unknown to your door, and you didn't answer the door. How could I expect you to? For, when you brought your very own unknown to my door, I did much the same thing.
I know what kind of situation your in. I just wish we had decided to push ourselves from our comfortable chairs with our half-read books and reach out to the unknown brought by each other at the same time.
Changing
We're all changing. Every second of the day, we're changing. The us of today will be different than the us of tomorrow.
And we tend to forget this. We think that things will never change. We mourn it. Things that are always bad will always be bad. And on the other hand, we try to hold onto the happy times, believe they will always be there, always be happy. And then, we mourn the loss of that.
Because if we change every second of the day, everything changes every second of the day.
So we can never get too comfortable in the way it is now.
And I don't know where I'm going with this anymore.
And we tend to forget this. We think that things will never change. We mourn it. Things that are always bad will always be bad. And on the other hand, we try to hold onto the happy times, believe they will always be there, always be happy. And then, we mourn the loss of that.
Because if we change every second of the day, everything changes every second of the day.
So we can never get too comfortable in the way it is now.
And I don't know where I'm going with this anymore.
Held Up High
The one thing I can't let go of, the one thing that keeps me holding my head up high. It's like the very last string holding this puppet upright.
It is that I once was a Queen, I ruled my friends, I was their leader. I gave them guidance, I gave them power. I was the thing to be. I was strong despite everything, I was smart, too.
And then my castle came tumbling down. I pushed and pulled the stones out of the mortar. I threw vases filled with wilting flowers at the wall and watched the glass glimmer and the flowers gasp as they drowned in air
I tore my castle apart, I couldn't stand the look of the walls looking to enclose me like a tomb, the steepness of the stairs that always seemed to want me to tumble to my death, the sad reminder in pictures of once was compared to what is now hanging on the same wall, trying to strangle me with grief.
And more and more, I couldn't stand the people who lived in my castle with me. Those who faked smiles, who seeked to hurt me, who wanted my kingdom to turn to ash. Who wanted to control me in the worst of ways.
I was once Queen. I once held my head high. I once believed in the power of myself, with my friends by my side.
Now my crown is gone, stolen by someone who doesn't deserve it. The weight of the missing crown threatens to bend my chin towards the floor, but I can't, I won't, allow it. I now have to believe in the power of myself, without my friends by my side. I have to build my very own castle from the ground up.
Despite all this, I know I am still a Queen. I know that I still rule- though it may be of myself rather than others. I guide myself through treacherous seas, and I do a pretty good job of it still.
So I'll find a new crown to hold upon my head, and I'll wear it with pride.
And with that, everyone will know that, though disposed and my throne stolen, I am still Queen. There's not a second guess.
It is that I once was a Queen, I ruled my friends, I was their leader. I gave them guidance, I gave them power. I was the thing to be. I was strong despite everything, I was smart, too.
And then my castle came tumbling down. I pushed and pulled the stones out of the mortar. I threw vases filled with wilting flowers at the wall and watched the glass glimmer and the flowers gasp as they drowned in air
I tore my castle apart, I couldn't stand the look of the walls looking to enclose me like a tomb, the steepness of the stairs that always seemed to want me to tumble to my death, the sad reminder in pictures of once was compared to what is now hanging on the same wall, trying to strangle me with grief.
And more and more, I couldn't stand the people who lived in my castle with me. Those who faked smiles, who seeked to hurt me, who wanted my kingdom to turn to ash. Who wanted to control me in the worst of ways.
I was once Queen. I once held my head high. I once believed in the power of myself, with my friends by my side.
Now my crown is gone, stolen by someone who doesn't deserve it. The weight of the missing crown threatens to bend my chin towards the floor, but I can't, I won't, allow it. I now have to believe in the power of myself, without my friends by my side. I have to build my very own castle from the ground up.
Despite all this, I know I am still a Queen. I know that I still rule- though it may be of myself rather than others. I guide myself through treacherous seas, and I do a pretty good job of it still.
So I'll find a new crown to hold upon my head, and I'll wear it with pride.
And with that, everyone will know that, though disposed and my throne stolen, I am still Queen. There's not a second guess.
It's Not A Nightmare if You're Not Sleeping
I'm determined to not hit the wall. I'm determined to keep on the track. I'm determined to stop, but that isn't at the top of the list. It's hidden under a bunch of other things I'm determined to do, and in all honesty, I don't have any doubt in my mind that I can stop. I mean, I've done it before, so why not again?
So I go, I've got fifteen minutes to make this all go down the way I want it to. We both want this, but it isn't in the same way. He wants freedom, and I want to learn to fly.
So we move. I'm doing everything right. And then we begin to take off, and I'm not going to hit the wall this time. I'm not going to allow it. I won't let him get away with me.
But we're going too fast. Soon everything is out of my control. I'm flying, yes, but I'm being pulled along at an alarming rate. I'm not learning to fly, I am simply being dragged through the air by my fragile wings. I'm being dragged through the air towards the wall, and no matter what I do I can't stop.
So I scream, even though I shouldn't, I can't, I won't. I scream, and the second it's out I'm ashamed and defeated. We slow, we stop, and I can't help but cry. It's a shameful thing. I've never been so scared of a thing that could fly. And yet, now I am.
And the scene replays, again and again. I don't even have a scratch on me to show the fight I had. I don't have anything to show that I had reason to be scared. I've only a bruised ego from failure, and the shot-down hope that maybe, maybe I was ready to learn how to fly.
And I think, maybe I should have let him throw me into the wall, because then I'd have something to tell instead of a bunch of words that just can't be told for shame.
So I go, I've got fifteen minutes to make this all go down the way I want it to. We both want this, but it isn't in the same way. He wants freedom, and I want to learn to fly.
So we move. I'm doing everything right. And then we begin to take off, and I'm not going to hit the wall this time. I'm not going to allow it. I won't let him get away with me.
But we're going too fast. Soon everything is out of my control. I'm flying, yes, but I'm being pulled along at an alarming rate. I'm not learning to fly, I am simply being dragged through the air by my fragile wings. I'm being dragged through the air towards the wall, and no matter what I do I can't stop.
So I scream, even though I shouldn't, I can't, I won't. I scream, and the second it's out I'm ashamed and defeated. We slow, we stop, and I can't help but cry. It's a shameful thing. I've never been so scared of a thing that could fly. And yet, now I am.
And the scene replays, again and again. I don't even have a scratch on me to show the fight I had. I don't have anything to show that I had reason to be scared. I've only a bruised ego from failure, and the shot-down hope that maybe, maybe I was ready to learn how to fly.
And I think, maybe I should have let him throw me into the wall, because then I'd have something to tell instead of a bunch of words that just can't be told for shame.
Turn Left Here
I think I know, more than most people I know, that life cannot be planned. Or, rather, you can plan it all you want, but life doesn't follow plans. It doesn't follow a map you create, it does it's own thing, and you have to deal with it.
Oh, if life played out how I planned it, I don't even know how I'd be right now. Probably would have had a broken leg once, and a broken arm once, I would be studying to become a vet, or a fairy, and I'd have so many friends.
Or something like that.
I don't know. And it's no good to imagine it, because it gives me a headache and does no good.
Really, I'm okay with my life right now. It's not perfect, it's not horrible either. It's just.. life. And I'm not too concerned about it. Things will happen, and eventually, hopefully, I'll end up okay.
Oh, if life played out how I planned it, I don't even know how I'd be right now. Probably would have had a broken leg once, and a broken arm once, I would be studying to become a vet, or a fairy, and I'd have so many friends.
Or something like that.
I don't know. And it's no good to imagine it, because it gives me a headache and does no good.
Really, I'm okay with my life right now. It's not perfect, it's not horrible either. It's just.. life. And I'm not too concerned about it. Things will happen, and eventually, hopefully, I'll end up okay.
The Value of a Dollar
You know what got me really excited just now?
By the end of next week, if all goes well, I'll have 30$ in my pocket in cash. This means I'll finally have enough for next month's riding (I need 12$ more), as well as my half of my mom's present (17$), which leaves me with????
A dollar =D
You guys are either laughing, or staring incredulously. I know it. Yeah. A dollar. That's what made me happy.
Actually, I did the math thinking 15$ was for half of my mom's present, but then I realized that it's actually 17.50. I'm gunna get my brother to pay the 15 cents extra, hehe.
But you know what a dollar is? A dollar is almost enough to buy a packet of Nerds candy, which is about 1.50$ I think (I should know, shouldn't I? Since I love them and all, but I don't.) And I should have enough small change (dimes and under, which I don't count into my riding fund) to make my dollar into 1.50, which will buy me a pack of Nerds.
This makes me extremely happy, as I realized a couple of weeks ago I couldn't buy ANYTHING at all. Nothing. Because I didn't have the riding money yet, and no sure fire way of getting it. As it is, I'm scraping by. But a 1.50$ is enough to make me smile and jump and wiggle in my seat now!
Funny how things change, huh? One day, 1.50 isn't all that much, but then you realize you don't even have 1.50, not even a fraction of that. So when you finally get that much, it's enough excitement for a celebration, if celebrations generally cost more than 1.50...
I can taste those Nerds now, and I don't want to, because it makes it ever so hard to wait!
By the end of next week, if all goes well, I'll have 30$ in my pocket in cash. This means I'll finally have enough for next month's riding (I need 12$ more), as well as my half of my mom's present (17$), which leaves me with????
A dollar =D
You guys are either laughing, or staring incredulously. I know it. Yeah. A dollar. That's what made me happy.
Actually, I did the math thinking 15$ was for half of my mom's present, but then I realized that it's actually 17.50. I'm gunna get my brother to pay the 15 cents extra, hehe.
But you know what a dollar is? A dollar is almost enough to buy a packet of Nerds candy, which is about 1.50$ I think (I should know, shouldn't I? Since I love them and all, but I don't.) And I should have enough small change (dimes and under, which I don't count into my riding fund) to make my dollar into 1.50, which will buy me a pack of Nerds.
This makes me extremely happy, as I realized a couple of weeks ago I couldn't buy ANYTHING at all. Nothing. Because I didn't have the riding money yet, and no sure fire way of getting it. As it is, I'm scraping by. But a 1.50$ is enough to make me smile and jump and wiggle in my seat now!
Funny how things change, huh? One day, 1.50 isn't all that much, but then you realize you don't even have 1.50, not even a fraction of that. So when you finally get that much, it's enough excitement for a celebration, if celebrations generally cost more than 1.50...
I can taste those Nerds now, and I don't want to, because it makes it ever so hard to wait!
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