Lady of Shalott

Terrible, this fear.

What I want to be versus what would make me ever so happy.

But in the end, does one lie in the other?

Or rather than being what I want to be (who?), what about if we replace it with Who I Am.

Maybe I'm scared because the crumbling of my castle, my realm, has finally slowed. There's not much falling to the ground, only the debris from the past couple of months. Weird, you probably think. I should be happy that nothing is really getting worse for me.

But when everything was in chaos, when my castle was crumbling (no, no... when it began to crumble, I didn't know what was happening)falling to pieces, I knew that I was changing, I was becoming me, and I was on the right path. I was improving more and more as my castle was reduced less and less.

Now I have little to mark that passage. I don't see my new castle. I don't know if I'm ready to build one yet. After all, look how quickly my last one was reduced to rubble? Look how disasterous it was. I'm still looking at the pieces and wondering quietly, quietly to myself if there's a way to fix this. If what I did was the right thing. If somehow this rock can fit back into place with the other rocks and maybe a bit more mortar than before.

But it wouldn't be the same. No. It'd be worse than the same. I'd see all the cracks where they shouldn't be. Nothing would fit properly. I couldn't sleep soundly in that castle.

So I'm to abandon that castle, up high on the hill it's rested for so many years, and find a new place to build a new castle, then?

I don't know where to start. I don't know how to start. I never thought I'd say this and mean it, for I'm a very trusting person, to the extent of foolishness... But I really think my trust has been shattered. Irreparable? No, not by the right people, for I still believe in fairy tales. But shattered none the less.

And this is coming from the girl who has forgiven people for multiple back-stabbings, who has trusted someone who she's just met, and trusted someone who's hurt her more times than she can count. Multiple someones. I won't say I trust no one, but I trust very few. And the only people I trust are those who are so detached from my life that they couldn't do much to harm me if they tried. And even then, there's the echo of "What if...?"

I think there's only one person I trust, and she's gone now. I almost had her back, but no. I'm not one for hanging onto my past, and she's from my past. I want to speak to her so much, but I lost her for the second time. And... though I hope she's reading this, the person I am doesn't want to talk to her...

Because I don't know what to say.

Because I am such a inside-person, I'd just smile and push her away when I really don't mean to.

Because I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to hurt me.

And, finally, because I don't know, I don't think, she will like this new me. So far, no one really has.

Still... If by some stroke of wayward luck she's reading this, I just want to say sorry, for everything. And thank you, for everything.



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