Stars and Firecrackers

Let me tell you- waking up at 4 AM gets old fast. I don't know which is worse, though- getting up voluntarily or involuntarily. I think it's the latter, but I'll leave it up to you.

I was feeling good today, despite the early wake up. Put on a shirt I never wore before in a color I don't usually wear, in a style I don't usually wear. Put my hair up in a weird way I've only done late at night when I'm working on something and only have my fingers and wayward hair accessories to work with.

A firecracker. That's what I felt like. I was feeling good- the news and discoveries from last night combined with 3 1/2 hour sleep giggly-ness. I was going to go to my one class and... I don't know, rock it?

Except my teacher wasn't there, so that fizzled.

It's much too hot indoors. But it's much too cold outdoors. No matter where I go, its one or the other, and sometimes it's boiling outside and cool inside. I think I'm getting my dad's cold (which he got from me, then passed it on, then got it again, gosh I don't want to be out for another week...), and with it the fever.

So I go to the park to swing. And I wonder how long it takes for a swing to stop if I stop pumping. So I stop pumping and try making myself as unhelpful as possible without actually doing anything.

It doesn't take very long.

And I wonder, how long would it take for my life to fall to pieces if I stopped trying to keep it together. Not very long at all.

I might be being a little harsh to the swing.

And I wonder about me, being a firecracker. A firecracker bursts up in an amazing illumination of light, and then fades into oblivion only to be remembered by a few who want nostalgia. Even then, the specific firecracker might not be remembered at all, for there's almost always many others along with it.

I don't want to be a firecracker, but I am. I flare up, then fade into the night sky without even a spark to keep me remembered. Only smoke, which quickly dissipates.

I want to be a star, always shining, always there. Written about in poetry and hymns. I want to be something everyone can look at and marvel for days, weeks, years on end.

I don't want to spark and fade.

So I come to a conclusion; I have to keep trying, no matter what, and maybe someday I'll become more than a firecracker.


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