It's neither here nor there. Not all or nothing.

Too many people think it's like that. All or nothing. Here or there. Grey isn't acceptable. And that's what gets you labeled as a liar, complicated, annoying, fickle, unpredictable. Being grey.

I don't enjoy sneaking around, going one place when I've said I'm going to another, or going somewhere without giving a clear answer as to where. I wish I didn't have to. I wish I could just say "Well, I'm off to this group, or this counseling session," and I'd be told "Okay, have fun."

On the other hand, I enjoy having this part of my life. This secret life. Taking charge of it all, that's what it feels like. I enjoy going where I want without anyone knowing exactly where I am. It's nice. It's thrilling. And that way, I can be whoever I want to be, and no one will know different.

Besides, I know the "Okay, have fun," won't come to be.

I come home with a new outfit. No one gives it a glance. I am starving with nothing to eat except NesQuick Chocolate Milk Powder, and yesterday I only had a slice of pizza on my way home from riding. No one cares. I've been out all day without giving word, I've even come home late late. No one asks where I've been.

No one cares anymore.

I like it, and I hate it.

I guess I should learn to love it, hm?

I hate shoulds.


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