I'm sick of being scared of my words. That's why I'm being so honest with you. This is why, despite that I know I can't trust you longer than a fish can live in the dead sea, I tell you the truth. All of it.
Shocker, isn't it? It is for me. You weren't there so you wouldn't know, but I was silenced for a long time.
Or do you know? Because ever since everything changed, we've found more in common than we had in the past so many months. Maybe you do know, maybe you know how it feels. Maybe it happened to you. Maybe it's this thoughtline that unlocks my words.
Anyone else, I'd have acted shocked that you didn't consider me as a best friend anymore. Anyone else. Maybe. But when you told me, I just nodded. I didn't lie, I didn't deny. I said "I know. Me neither."
And you didn't fight it. Because, I think, we are both sick of shadows. No more being half sick of shadows. We are. We've had too much of them, like having too much sugar over years and years.
The only snag is that we wish the shadows were the light- that the lies and the dreams and the horrible longing of things were all true, real, and here. I think we'd give anything to change it all around, to push the things in the light into the shadows, and drag the shadows into the sunshine, kicking and screaming. Flip the world around. It'd be easier. It'd be happier.
It'd be lovely.
But it's not how this world works, and we both know it. So we hold the pictures of the past to the candle flame and watch it burn with sad smiles.
I want you to know, because one day it will be too late and we'll have moved further and further apart, that I don't regret having met you. I don't regret the fights, the injuries, the words said and taken. I don't regret it.
The only thing I regret is not being what you need, but even that comes with ifs and buts.
So this is good bye, even though we shan't part for months now. Because I know nothing will be the same, and good bye now just seems all the more proper.I'll understand why in the future, I'm sure. And so will you. One day.
NYC+Fan= Painted Walls
I think what may piss me off more than idiots (and if you know me, you know idiots piss me off considerably) are those who try to control me, or think they have control over me. I don't even like it if I think they think they have control over me. I will not be controlled like a little puppet. I refuse to be. And those who try do not get anywhere.
The shit hit the fan today. I canceled my involvement in the New York City trip happening in May. Why? Because I'd share a room with 2 of my ex-friends-now-enemies as well as one of their sheep. There'd be only one person I could talk to, and she promised to talk and hang out with me more than the others as she has been on the sharp end of their sword for a long while, but she can't be trusted. Never could. She's gone and said such things and then turned her back, and at the mention of it has twisted it around and in the end, my trust in her has been chipped away.
So, after much thought and encouragement from those who I could trust, and who knew the situation, I decided I would back out. I couldn't get all the money back, but I think I can get a good amount. Plus, what was the point of going to new york, spending 650$ to go, and 300$ extra to shop/eat/etc. when I'd not have much fun? It all added up to Not Worth It.
It all happened quite quickly. I told the teacher in charge yesterday, and everything came down today. This morning. I thought I'd have a week or more, but this is HP for you. I'm sure my teacher meant all the best.
I got a surprised and whiny e-mail from the friend who was supposed to stick with me the entire trip. I asked her where she heard that. Guess who? Rachel. So I told Rachel it wasn't nice to gossip and talk about me behind my back. She argued the point. Came to my door, actually, and said I shouldn't not go to New York. Didn't I say I wasn't going to let them affect me? Didn't I say I was going? How could I?!
Oh boy. Lauren (sheep #1) had her opinion too, about the same lines. So now I've got people who haven't talked to me in months telling me how I should run my life and what I should do and that I can't change my mind???
Yeah. Not the best thing to try pulling with me. So I told them basically that. To butt out, and who were they to have an opinion on my life when they hadn't said a nice word to me in two months.
Guess what? Rachel, at least, has finally butted out. She refused to before. She sent me a scathing text (yes, most of this was over text because they didn't have any balls) saying that I was off her phone and I wasn't to text anymore, and she'd stop butting in.
What did I do?
Said "THANK YOU! That's ALL I'VE WANTED in these past TWO MONTHS."
All in all, a pretty good end to the shit spewing everywhere.
Now I've just got to break the news to my "friend" as I haven't exactly told her the complete truth because she began to make up her own lies to put me in the bad light.
I did inform her that Rachel had simply used her for information, though. She seemed quite pissed about that.
The shit hit the fan today. I canceled my involvement in the New York City trip happening in May. Why? Because I'd share a room with 2 of my ex-friends-now-enemies as well as one of their sheep. There'd be only one person I could talk to, and she promised to talk and hang out with me more than the others as she has been on the sharp end of their sword for a long while, but she can't be trusted. Never could. She's gone and said such things and then turned her back, and at the mention of it has twisted it around and in the end, my trust in her has been chipped away.
So, after much thought and encouragement from those who I could trust, and who knew the situation, I decided I would back out. I couldn't get all the money back, but I think I can get a good amount. Plus, what was the point of going to new york, spending 650$ to go, and 300$ extra to shop/eat/etc. when I'd not have much fun? It all added up to Not Worth It.
It all happened quite quickly. I told the teacher in charge yesterday, and everything came down today. This morning. I thought I'd have a week or more, but this is HP for you. I'm sure my teacher meant all the best.
I got a surprised and whiny e-mail from the friend who was supposed to stick with me the entire trip. I asked her where she heard that. Guess who? Rachel. So I told Rachel it wasn't nice to gossip and talk about me behind my back. She argued the point. Came to my door, actually, and said I shouldn't not go to New York. Didn't I say I wasn't going to let them affect me? Didn't I say I was going? How could I?!
Oh boy. Lauren (sheep #1) had her opinion too, about the same lines. So now I've got people who haven't talked to me in months telling me how I should run my life and what I should do and that I can't change my mind???
Yeah. Not the best thing to try pulling with me. So I told them basically that. To butt out, and who were they to have an opinion on my life when they hadn't said a nice word to me in two months.
Guess what? Rachel, at least, has finally butted out. She refused to before. She sent me a scathing text (yes, most of this was over text because they didn't have any balls) saying that I was off her phone and I wasn't to text anymore, and she'd stop butting in.
What did I do?
Said "THANK YOU! That's ALL I'VE WANTED in these past TWO MONTHS."
All in all, a pretty good end to the shit spewing everywhere.
Now I've just got to break the news to my "friend" as I haven't exactly told her the complete truth because she began to make up her own lies to put me in the bad light.
I did inform her that Rachel had simply used her for information, though. She seemed quite pissed about that.
How I know
How do I know I made the right choice?
Because those I made friends with by leaving you do things you never did, and it makes me smile days after. And it will keep me smiling for weeks more.
It might not be the same, and it won't ever be the same as before. But it's better.
That's how I know I made the right decision. Despite everything wrong that's happened so far, it's still better than before.
I can smile without tears now.
And smile with them, if I want.
Because those I made friends with by leaving you do things you never did, and it makes me smile days after. And it will keep me smiling for weeks more.
It might not be the same, and it won't ever be the same as before. But it's better.
That's how I know I made the right decision. Despite everything wrong that's happened so far, it's still better than before.
I can smile without tears now.
And smile with them, if I want.
Disappointment= Writing
People sometimes wonder why I write so much. They look at me strangely when I enter something like NaNoWriMo because how could I possibly have that many words in me? How can I possibly have a story in me that can keep going for so many words in so little time, and that isn't filled with the same word repeated thousands of times.
They hear of me writing stories on the side, long stories. If they join me for a car ride, I'll often say, out of nowhere, "I have a new story idea," and they laugh. I'm like an impossibility. Maybe they think I'm faking it. Really, I'm not. I do have that many story ideas, and more, because I'll have some I don't even know where to take, or how to do, but the idea is there. It's for someone else, but it's there.
I'm a dreamer, I guess. More so, I fail at expectations. I think it's the failure that really brings out the writing. Being a dreamer might induce a lot of ideas, but I find it's the disappointment that I always seem to produce in others that sparks the dreamer in me.
It's great how I'm always a disappointment to at least one of my parents all the time. If I'm lucky, both. And then there's the people not my parents. My teachers (though I get awesome marks, I do procrastinate and that seems to be the devil-word), the rest of my family, my friends. I'm nothing like anyone expects me to be. Except maybe me.
Oh well. At least I'm not disappointed in me. I'm usually on my side. Even if I'm the only one standing there. More iced tea and petit fours for me.
The perfect recipe for a cacophony of story ideas.
They hear of me writing stories on the side, long stories. If they join me for a car ride, I'll often say, out of nowhere, "I have a new story idea," and they laugh. I'm like an impossibility. Maybe they think I'm faking it. Really, I'm not. I do have that many story ideas, and more, because I'll have some I don't even know where to take, or how to do, but the idea is there. It's for someone else, but it's there.
I'm a dreamer, I guess. More so, I fail at expectations. I think it's the failure that really brings out the writing. Being a dreamer might induce a lot of ideas, but I find it's the disappointment that I always seem to produce in others that sparks the dreamer in me.
It's great how I'm always a disappointment to at least one of my parents all the time. If I'm lucky, both. And then there's the people not my parents. My teachers (though I get awesome marks, I do procrastinate and that seems to be the devil-word), the rest of my family, my friends. I'm nothing like anyone expects me to be. Except maybe me.
Oh well. At least I'm not disappointed in me. I'm usually on my side. Even if I'm the only one standing there. More iced tea and petit fours for me.
The perfect recipe for a cacophony of story ideas.
Why It Doesn't Matter To Me
I think one of the things I like the most about helping others is that I find out something more about myself.
Like just how lazy I am when it comes to changing myself.
If someone says to me that I'm ugly and stupid, usually I laugh. O-kay there. Whatever.
And then if it does happen to bug me (hm... it does happen sometimes, if it's a so-called friend saying it, usually, or if it's me) I might wonder what I can do about it. Sometimes I make a list in my head of all the things I could do to change myself to be pretty and smart.
And if I get to this list stage, I usually end up chucking it (usually the list is in my head, I don't think I've ever written it out, so I chuck it in my head). Why? Because I look at the list and think "Do I really want to do all this?"
No. I don't. I don't want to spend more time than is absolutely necessary in the morning getting myself ready. Honestly, I love my sleep. If it's sleep vs. beauty, sleep will always win.
I don't even want to spend that much effort on dolling myself up at any time of the day. Furthermore, it would probably include something like going out, getting the stuff, spending money that I could spend on books/horses/something actually worth my time, then going through the effort of learning how to do whatever it is, and then doing it for the rest of my life, or even for a few days.
No matter what, it's just too much effort. Way too much effort. And for what? To please someone who either A) doesn't know me, and doesn't really matter, or B) A so-called friend who really shouldn't care if I don't look like a supermodel? or C) A parent (coughmomcough) who is constantly trying to live vicariously through me, and is always criticizing me anyways?
Right.
I'm much too lazy to do any such thing, so I disregard it all. I'm also too lazy to dwell on it, so I do something productive with my time. Or not productive, but fun. Like reading, or playing Animal Crossing (my newest addiction) or even just sitting around staring at nothing. Or, even better, Sleeping.
And as for the stupid/smart thing, I know I'm brilliant. I just have to apply myself more. Which I do, just at the last minute. I could and should fix that for my own benefit, but it takes a lot of effort. I'm slowly doing it though.
Like lately, I've STARTED things before the last day. I might not finish them till the last day at midnight, but I start them earlier! :D It makes me feel like I should continue, as I've already started and have something to go on.
Yup. This, all from trying to help my kind-of-friend Michelle feel better about herself.
Ah, gotta love being me.
Like just how lazy I am when it comes to changing myself.
If someone says to me that I'm ugly and stupid, usually I laugh. O-kay there. Whatever.
And then if it does happen to bug me (hm... it does happen sometimes, if it's a so-called friend saying it, usually, or if it's me) I might wonder what I can do about it. Sometimes I make a list in my head of all the things I could do to change myself to be pretty and smart.
And if I get to this list stage, I usually end up chucking it (usually the list is in my head, I don't think I've ever written it out, so I chuck it in my head). Why? Because I look at the list and think "Do I really want to do all this?"
No. I don't. I don't want to spend more time than is absolutely necessary in the morning getting myself ready. Honestly, I love my sleep. If it's sleep vs. beauty, sleep will always win.
I don't even want to spend that much effort on dolling myself up at any time of the day. Furthermore, it would probably include something like going out, getting the stuff, spending money that I could spend on books/horses/something actually worth my time, then going through the effort of learning how to do whatever it is, and then doing it for the rest of my life, or even for a few days.
No matter what, it's just too much effort. Way too much effort. And for what? To please someone who either A) doesn't know me, and doesn't really matter, or B) A so-called friend who really shouldn't care if I don't look like a supermodel? or C) A parent (coughmomcough) who is constantly trying to live vicariously through me, and is always criticizing me anyways?
Right.
I'm much too lazy to do any such thing, so I disregard it all. I'm also too lazy to dwell on it, so I do something productive with my time. Or not productive, but fun. Like reading, or playing Animal Crossing (my newest addiction) or even just sitting around staring at nothing. Or, even better, Sleeping.
And as for the stupid/smart thing, I know I'm brilliant. I just have to apply myself more. Which I do, just at the last minute. I could and should fix that for my own benefit, but it takes a lot of effort. I'm slowly doing it though.
Like lately, I've STARTED things before the last day. I might not finish them till the last day at midnight, but I start them earlier! :D It makes me feel like I should continue, as I've already started and have something to go on.
Yup. This, all from trying to help my kind-of-friend Michelle feel better about herself.
Ah, gotta love being me.
The Impossible Career
I have a talent for cheering people up. I also have a talent for making sense. And no sense at all (when I want to).
I also hate the human race as a whole, can't talk to people well, and am not a people person.
How is someone so good with stringing together words and ideas on paper (and computer) so horrible at actually talking to people and making relations with people.
If anyone has ever read The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale, it's kind of like this: My mom, and a number of people around me, are like the Queen and Selia- People-speakers. And they easily glide through conversations, and if they wish, turn people against me. Not just me either, other people too, like Jenni. Rick is a people speaker, and has dispelled all Jenni's accusations against him (which were the truth) with his abilities as a smooth-talker.
And then there's me- Princess Anidori-Kiladra Talianna Isilee, just without the long name, the princess status, or the magical ability to talk to the wind and understand birds. Socially awkward, fighting against those with the ability of people-speaking, and never seemingly good enough for the people around her.
And we might as well throw in a bit of Cassandra from Greek legend.
I'm getting used to it though. All of this. It doesn't bother me as it once did.
I'm just wondering what kind of career I can have that is based around making people happy, telling the truth, and... not speaking to people? Or at least not idiot or annoying people?
Yeah. I think I'll stick with baking.
I also hate the human race as a whole, can't talk to people well, and am not a people person.
How is someone so good with stringing together words and ideas on paper (and computer) so horrible at actually talking to people and making relations with people.
If anyone has ever read The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale, it's kind of like this: My mom, and a number of people around me, are like the Queen and Selia- People-speakers. And they easily glide through conversations, and if they wish, turn people against me. Not just me either, other people too, like Jenni. Rick is a people speaker, and has dispelled all Jenni's accusations against him (which were the truth) with his abilities as a smooth-talker.
And then there's me- Princess Anidori-Kiladra Talianna Isilee, just without the long name, the princess status, or the magical ability to talk to the wind and understand birds. Socially awkward, fighting against those with the ability of people-speaking, and never seemingly good enough for the people around her.
And we might as well throw in a bit of Cassandra from Greek legend.
I'm getting used to it though. All of this. It doesn't bother me as it once did.
I'm just wondering what kind of career I can have that is based around making people happy, telling the truth, and... not speaking to people? Or at least not idiot or annoying people?
Yeah. I think I'll stick with baking.
Ah, College Acceptance Letters
I got accepted into the Hotel Management program at GBC.
It wasn't the program I wanted. It was more of a back-up program, to make the 95$ worth it, I guess. An option, but does it really matter?
And if you're reading this, you're probably the... third person to know. You'd be the first, but for the fact that my mother is a complete snoop (and freaked out about it, till she realized that it wasn't the program we were hoping for). She has probably told my dad, so he's the second. So, yep, you're the third.
It's not that I don't have anyone at all to tell. It's kind of that way, but it's also that I just forget about it. It's not the most exciting thing. Not what I expected. And I've been getting almost nowhere with the Pastry Arts program, what with the math mix-up and now an English qualifier (I got 85% in English. I shouldn't need to take it. But I do. How does that work?). Even then, who knows?
It all seems quite hopeless. Even if I take the test, there's no guarantee. Still, I have to complete math either way.
Maybe I should tell someone quick, before everyone gets mad at me. Like Jenni. Chances are, if she finds out I haven't told her and it's been days, she'll just get terribly upset. I can't even remember when I got the letter. Who cares? Not I.
Anti-climatic, indeed.
It wasn't the program I wanted. It was more of a back-up program, to make the 95$ worth it, I guess. An option, but does it really matter?
And if you're reading this, you're probably the... third person to know. You'd be the first, but for the fact that my mother is a complete snoop (and freaked out about it, till she realized that it wasn't the program we were hoping for). She has probably told my dad, so he's the second. So, yep, you're the third.
It's not that I don't have anyone at all to tell. It's kind of that way, but it's also that I just forget about it. It's not the most exciting thing. Not what I expected. And I've been getting almost nowhere with the Pastry Arts program, what with the math mix-up and now an English qualifier (I got 85% in English. I shouldn't need to take it. But I do. How does that work?). Even then, who knows?
It all seems quite hopeless. Even if I take the test, there's no guarantee. Still, I have to complete math either way.
Maybe I should tell someone quick, before everyone gets mad at me. Like Jenni. Chances are, if she finds out I haven't told her and it's been days, she'll just get terribly upset. I can't even remember when I got the letter. Who cares? Not I.
Anti-climatic, indeed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)