Here's to Silence, that cuts me to the Core.

I lost my best friend this past week. Entirely voluntary on both our parts. Twelve years, down the drain.

I wish I could say I'm completely innocent. But then again, if I was, I'd feel this was unjust and unfair and I wouldn't be standing as well as I am so far.

Don't. Don't start thinking "Well, twelve years is hard to erase, so don't worry, you'll be friends in no time."

Everyone is saying this. And though this might be true, I don't want it to be.

Yeah. You read that right. I don't want us to become friends again.

Not even a little part of you?

Yeah, there's a little part of me that says "It would be easier to be her friend. You wouldn't have to change riding, change friends, change everything. You could stay the same. Habits won't be lost."

But that's it. That habit. That habit that kept us together until we finally exploded. Until I finally exploded, and set off a chain reaction in her. And even if we do magically become friends again, I don't think our friendship was strong enough at this point in the game to get over this hurdle.  If it does, it's because of habit alone, nothing else. Maybe a little bit else.

I lost two friends in this fight, and I know I can keep standing, keep walking forward. It'll hurt- She is bringing Rachel who isn't my friend anymore either to riding. They'll laugh, they'll have a fun time. I'll be on the side of the barn that is empty.

It'll hurt. But I know I can get through it.

And everyone is saying "No no no, you'll be friends in no time."

What if I don't want to be her friend? I don't care if she didn't mean it when she said she didn't want to be mine anymore (because I was trying to fix it, and she decided to end it all together). I don't want to be her friend. And I've made it clear only to have to obscure it with fog when someone protested. I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of being friends with her and Rachel.

I liked the parties (to a point). I liked hanging out. I liked chatting over MSN. I liked sharing books, and having sleepovers and telling secrets.

I don't want that to end. But what comes along with it- the cruel words, the harsh ones too, the feeling of being out of place, the absence of loyalty, the guilt and the anger, the hopelessness, the trapped feeling. It's not worth it. And I don't think I want it to be.

So, here's to everything coming down to nothing. Here's to twelve years- not wasted, but forfeited.

And yet, I put the sticky note containing birthday/christmas present ideas on the back of my monitor- not in the garbage.

Can someone explain that to me?